as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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