Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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