Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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