nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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