Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
