you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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