I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
