where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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