I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
