i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
