I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
