She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
