I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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