wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
