There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Vodka?
Forever.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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