My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
