When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
everyone is single if you try hard enough
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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