Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The power of my boobs compel you
its liver damage thursday
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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