Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
