Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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