i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
