Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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