she woke up with a sticky ear
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
