How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize