We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
