my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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