So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
