Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
