You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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