even my farts smell like vagina
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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