My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
im on a boat
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