we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
