Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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