I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
