I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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