she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
