remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
