i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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