I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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