escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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