people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
