I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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