i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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