Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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