She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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