i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's shark week go big or go home
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
