I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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