I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It's never too late to be topless.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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