look no pants
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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