Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Randomize
