Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
