I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
