You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
